A Guide to Communicating Boundaries and Ensuring Consent
In BDSM, trust and communication are everything. Scenes can be powerful, emotional, and intense, which is why having clear ways to check in with each other is so important. One of the most effective tools we have for this is the safe word.
A safe word is a word or phrase that everyone agrees on ahead of time. It lets a partner know when things need to pause, slow down, or stop altogether. Safe words make it possible to clearly communicate physical and emotional boundaries in the middle of play, even when words like “no” or “stop” might be part of the scene.
At Voodoo Leatherworks we use the traffic light system as many people in the scene do:
- Green: I’m good, keep going.
- Yellow: Slow down or check in with me.
- Red: Stop right now, I need the scene to end.
Some folks choose something more personal. My own personal safe word is Oatmeal (yes, really). I like it because it works in play, but it also helps in everyday life when a conversation starts to head somewhere I don’t want overheard.
No matter what word is chosen, the rule is simple: safe words must always be respected. If a safe word is called, everything stops. Tops or Doms should check in immediately, remove restraints if they’re being used, and make sure their partner is safe and comfortable. Ignoring a safe word is never acceptable. Endorphins and adrenaline can trick bottoms or submissives into thinking they can go further than is safe, so the responsibility lies with everyone to honor limits when they’re called.
Beyond Safe Words
Safe words are just one part of communication. Paying attention to verbal cues—like “yes,” “more,” “less,” or “no”—and nonverbal cues—like nodding, shaking the head, or pulling back—is equally important. Physical signals can be subtle, so Tops should take time to learn the difference between a partner leaning away playfully and a partner recoiling in fear or discomfort.
Ongoing Communication
Good communication doesn’t stop when the scene ends. Talking about boundaries, health concerns, and limits before play sets everyone up for success. During the scene, checking in helps maintain trust. And after the scene, taking time to debrief—whether right away, in a written scene report, or a couple of days later—can help both partners process what happened, celebrate what worked, and adjust for next time.
It’s also a good idea to plan for “what if” moments. If someone becomes nonverbal or too overwhelmed to use their safe word, have a backup plan. This could be a hand signal, a nonverbal gesture, or even the presence of a trusted friend who can step in if needed.
Wrapping Up
Safe words aren’t just rules; they are tools that make BDSM safer, more consensual, and more enjoyable for everyone involved. When combined with clear communication, body language awareness, and solid aftercare, they allow partners to dive deeper into play with confidence and peace of mind.
